Helpless, Hopeless on Day "One"

Back to square one.  Back to square negative one.  Nothing has ever made me feel like such a failure.  I really do think I have a serious problem.  All hope is not lost today, I guess.  I woke up, followed my morning routine that I had gotten out of, weighed, and then sat on the couch.  That is a problem.

I think I've gotten into the habit of giving up on myself before I've given me a chance.

I told myself yesterday that today, February 18th, I would remember forever as the first day of the rest of my life.  I promised that I would really do this.  I cringe even thinking these things anymore.  I'm so sick and tired of  my choices.  I really am.  I have no one else to put this on but me.  Therefore since it is solely on my shoulders, I am the only one who can change things.  It is only one o'clock...the day has hardly begun.  So, for the rest of this post, I will simply start out how I intended to before I mentally beat myself up again. That is a new kind of mental abuse!

I think I may have just opened a can of worms in my brain with that thought.

Here goes:

Here I am, starting over once again.   This time, however, it will be the last time I start over.

Every Saturday, I plan on updating this blog with my weight and a picture.  It'll be my new thing.  So, here goes today's.  The picture to the right is me, just a few minutes ago.  Not pretty.  I've let my weight get so incredibly out of hand.  I am, right now, the heaviest I have ever been, in my life.  This is not okay.  I feel it in every bone in my body.  My knees are getting weaker, my ankles hurt, even dancing is not as enjoyable because my body doesn't move the same way it used to.

As the photo shows, I weigh 225 pounds right now.  Kids, that is two hundred and twenty five pounds.

Something's gotta give.

Come on Now!

Well, this morning was weigh day.  I lost nothing.  I gained nothing.  I suppose it could be worse.  I had a good week this week.  Zumba twice, walking the nature preserve, and not going out to eat.  I think that part really helps out.



I think these last few weeks I have been facing the right direction.  I was definitely backwards for a couple of months there.  In fact, between October and January, I gained 25 pounds.  That is super unhealthy.

I have come to realize that my life, or life in general, may always be a work in progress.

Something Seems to Be Close to Clicking

So, this last week has been pretty good for me.  I'll know in the morning whether or not I lost anything.  Right now it is less about the scale and more about how I feel.  In fact,  just now I was hungry bored and went to the pantry for some chips and queso.  I stopped myself, put the tortilla chips away, and walked over to my overflowing bowl of Cutie oranges and grabbed one.  They are seriously like candy for me...they're super tasty.

My sister-in-law (Cindy, the one on the left.  Ashley is our other sister-in-law; she's in the middle)  is on this journey, too.  She's been going to Zumba, and it has gotten my butt back to the classes.  Thanks, Cindy!!  I adore Zumba classes.  From going to these classes, she's already lost almost 15 pounds.  I must say, I am very proud of her!!


 I mean, let's face it, I grew up dancing nearly every day.  From age 5 to 17 I danced like Jazzy plays soccer.  I love it.  I love, love, love it.  It is seriously my happy place.  But my happy place has an injury.  Back in middle school I was dancing so much that I broke my foot by just walking down the stairs.  My foot curled over the edge of the stair and just cracked.  It has never fully healed.  With all of this weight on me now, it has gotten worse.  I have a sprained ankle that just will not heal.

Today was pretty great.  Victor and I are refraining from going out to eat for all of February.  That has definitely made a difference in the bank account.  Today I went to Zumba, then went to Tammi's house to walk the nature preserve with she and Leah (and sweet Gracie Lou, Leah's lab).  I burned 1000 calories by 1 pm.  Not too shabby!!

There may just be light at the tunnel after all.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

We, wait, I have a serious situation here.  My fat jeans are getting tight.  My fat jeans that I retired to the top of the closet just a short year-and-a-half ago are tight.  I kept them so I could "gauge my progress."  Yeah, what good that did.  I had to take them back down about 6 months ago because no other jeans fit.  I have one pair of jeans, and they are getting tight.

Something isn't clicking here.

I'm not clicking here.  It is seriously as if I have an alter ego in my brain justifying eating ____ (enter whatever crappy food here).

I am what I can't stand.  No, not fat people!  A hypocrite.  It bugs me when people cannot keep their word, do what they say, etc, and here I am, Queen Excuse.  It's always "tomorrow" or "the next meal" that I'll start.  It's "after this party" or "once I eat everything crappy in my kitchen."  Excuse after excuse to myself.



My poor husband.  Just sits by quietly, patiently and lovingly all the while.  I always say that I have excelled everything in my life that I have put my mind to.

Except. This.

Accept this.  This is not reality.  This is my own irrational fears of....being hungry?



Right now, I am currently at the highest weight I've ever been.  I will be struggling with this my entire life.  Should I just put it all out there right now and say my weight?

*crying as I type this*

223.4

{Insert favorite expletive here}