When Life Hands Me Lemons

I have come to realize that when life hands me lemons, I tend to throw them down the garbage disposal and eat everything in sight.

But seriously, I have a hard time keeping up a routine when times get tough.  And let me tell you, things have been tough the last couple of weeks.  I have made some of the best memories and had some amazing times, but everything has a giant cloud hanging over it.  I would prefer not to re-hash everything right here, right now, but it will all come out in time.

I am back on the proverbial wagon once again.  I only took a small break, and didn't give in completely, but I did gain 3 pounds of the 13 I'd lost back.  I need to keep in mind that I have a competition going on here between me, Michelle, and Tammi.  We have a bet going to see who can lose the most percentage in 3 months.  Also, dirty thirty (which I would like to call Purty Thirty) is right around the corner.  I am making a goal for myself here and now to lose 30 pounds by the time I turn 30 in January.  I plan to never find those thirty pounds again!!!

Woohoo!

Well, sorta.

Sorry to mislead you!

I am proud of myself right now.  I have lost a total of 13 pounds.  2.6 this last week.  Yes, I count to the tenth of a pound!  However, I am still up almost 30 pounds from my wedding.  I think until I hit that point, the celebration will seem a little in vain.

MyFitnessPal is an amazing website.  I have found some truly motivating and lovely people to be-friend on there.  It is completely free and to me so much better than Weight Watchers.  Probably because it is free, LOL.  I can track my food, my workouts, and get motivation all in one lovely place.

So, 13 down, way too many to go!!

There You Go, Little Ducky!

Cliche warning here: I'm getting my ducks in a row.  You see, for a good long while, I have been able to get Smarty, Skinny, Home Slice and Mama Duck ALMOST in line.  Most of the time, three of the four are waiting not so patiently for the straggler to show up.  Some days Smarty is missing, other days Mama Duck is way behind, and all too often Skinny Duck cannot make it to the party on time.  For the first time in a long time, everyone seems to be working together; call it a work in progress.

Let me explain.

Smarty Duck just wants to flourish in a career.  Smarty worked her way through her Masters degree with a 4.0 (on time, I might add) by working her little tail off.  Smarty Duck wasn't so smart with the field she chose.  She didn't go with what she loved to do; she wasn't completely sure of what that was. Unfortunately (or fortunately), finding a teaching job after the state's budget cuts was next to impossible.  During the time most student teachers are getting hired, all too many contracted teachers were getting pink slips.

Skinny Duck is back in line.  I'm not just trying to lose weight here, this is for my health. This is so that at age 50 I don't feel 75.  Until recently (and luckily not for long) I have been nearly 30 feeling like an out of shape 50 year old.  I have found a couple of amazing doctors who are working with me to get my cholesterol, cortisol, vitamin D, and testosterone back in shape (yes, ladies need testosterone, too).  I have been doing Insanity for the last month and have seen some great results.  I am down 10.4 pounds (from my all time high of 238.8; EEK), and some odd number of inches.  In fact, month two starts tomorrow morning.

Home Slice, poor, pitiful home slice.  She just wants to keep the house in order.  I'm sure any Jane Doe could walk in off the street and think the house looks great.  For Home Slice, she feels that the laundry pile is bottomless, the dishes are neverending, and there is always animal hair everywhere (even right after vacuuming).

Mama Duck is in charge of the kiddo.  Sometimes she just wants some time off!!!

Getting all these ducks in a row is what most people call "balance."  Can we truly achieve balance in our life?  Probably not.  We just do our best to live in the moment, give our all in each moment, and continue to be thankful that we are "blessed with stress" as I like to say.

Light at the End of the Tunnel (or Am I Hallucinating!)

Hello world.  Life for me lately has been, well, rough.  First world problems, yes, but it's been tough.  I'm pretty sure I've been going through a bit of a depression.  The fact that I can say that out loud and actually see that leads me to believe that I am on the other side of it now.  The tables have turned back in a good way.

When many people identify and define who they are, they do that through their career/life's work, their children/family, and even their health/well-being.  Well, in my world (which is all in my head, haha...isn't everyone's world in their own head?), I have been deeming myself a failure by the standards I mentioned earlier.

My career:  nonexistent.  I worked so hard to get through my Masters degree with a 4.0.  I did it, too.  I felt I needed to redeem myself after taking so long to get my Bachelor's (good times, good times, LOL).  Then, the year I graduate, teaching jobs are being cut, not added.  Karma, anyone?  I've been so overwhelmed (in everything) with finding a job that it has paralyzed me.  I see the light here...more later on this.

My children/family: I have a beautiful eight, almost nine year old daughter. The minute she and her Daddy came into my life, my world was changed forever. Changed forever for the better.  They brought me a sense of calm, a sense of peace, and a purpose to drive myself to be the best me I can be.  I married her Daddy almost two years ago.  Almost two years ago we decided we definitely want to expand our family.   For almost two years, my body has decided it doesn't want my family expanded.  I could possibly see the light here...once again, more later on this.

My health/well-being:  I have been steady gaining weight since the day I graduated high school.  Sure, I'll yo-yo and lose-gain-lose-gain (round and round that merry go round).  I have undoubtedly reached the highest number on the scale I've ever seen.  It is one thing to have your clothes fit tighter (or outfat them altogether), but it is another for your body to stop functioning as it should because of your weight.  Just getting up and down off the ground is difficult much of the time.  That is NOT OK.  According to my sweet neighbor, Ashley, there is a light at the end of the tunnel on this one...I'll take her word for it!

Well, "more later" is now!

I have a friend, Michelle, who is so great.  She always asks questions about life, how I'm doing, and offers up advice and a listening ear.  She pointed out to me that my goals are too big, too broad, and therefore unattainable to my consciousness.  She said to break them down into smaller, more manageable goals.  So I did.  I had an appointment with the career counselor from one college I graduated from, and she suggested I take some assessments to see what career path would be good for me if teaching doesn't' pan out. Small goal for career: check.  I finally (FREAKING finally) have insurance again.  I have an appointment this afternoon to talk about fertility and what's going on there. Small goal for family planning answers: check.  My neighbor and I started a workout program last week called Insanity.  Dang is it hard.  But we have made it through day 5.  Modified in many ways from what the guy is doing? Yes.  But we are hanging in there.  I also  had the goal of tracking everything I ate for a whole week.  I didn't care if I went over my calories or not.  I just needed to track.  Did I do it? yes!  Did I lose? Hell yes!  Weight loss small goal: CHECK!!

Right now I'm finding a way to trust that Ashley believes in the light at the end of my tunnel.  I have failed too many times at this to be able to see it yet (maybe I should wear my glasses more often.  Astigmatisms affect how we see light.  Ha!!!).

I think I know it is there.

Helpless, Hopeless on Day "One"

Back to square one.  Back to square negative one.  Nothing has ever made me feel like such a failure.  I really do think I have a serious problem.  All hope is not lost today, I guess.  I woke up, followed my morning routine that I had gotten out of, weighed, and then sat on the couch.  That is a problem.

I think I've gotten into the habit of giving up on myself before I've given me a chance.

I told myself yesterday that today, February 18th, I would remember forever as the first day of the rest of my life.  I promised that I would really do this.  I cringe even thinking these things anymore.  I'm so sick and tired of  my choices.  I really am.  I have no one else to put this on but me.  Therefore since it is solely on my shoulders, I am the only one who can change things.  It is only one o'clock...the day has hardly begun.  So, for the rest of this post, I will simply start out how I intended to before I mentally beat myself up again. That is a new kind of mental abuse!

I think I may have just opened a can of worms in my brain with that thought.

Here goes:

Here I am, starting over once again.   This time, however, it will be the last time I start over.

Every Saturday, I plan on updating this blog with my weight and a picture.  It'll be my new thing.  So, here goes today's.  The picture to the right is me, just a few minutes ago.  Not pretty.  I've let my weight get so incredibly out of hand.  I am, right now, the heaviest I have ever been, in my life.  This is not okay.  I feel it in every bone in my body.  My knees are getting weaker, my ankles hurt, even dancing is not as enjoyable because my body doesn't move the same way it used to.

As the photo shows, I weigh 225 pounds right now.  Kids, that is two hundred and twenty five pounds.

Something's gotta give.

Come on Now!

Well, this morning was weigh day.  I lost nothing.  I gained nothing.  I suppose it could be worse.  I had a good week this week.  Zumba twice, walking the nature preserve, and not going out to eat.  I think that part really helps out.



I think these last few weeks I have been facing the right direction.  I was definitely backwards for a couple of months there.  In fact, between October and January, I gained 25 pounds.  That is super unhealthy.

I have come to realize that my life, or life in general, may always be a work in progress.

Something Seems to Be Close to Clicking

So, this last week has been pretty good for me.  I'll know in the morning whether or not I lost anything.  Right now it is less about the scale and more about how I feel.  In fact,  just now I was hungry bored and went to the pantry for some chips and queso.  I stopped myself, put the tortilla chips away, and walked over to my overflowing bowl of Cutie oranges and grabbed one.  They are seriously like candy for me...they're super tasty.

My sister-in-law (Cindy, the one on the left.  Ashley is our other sister-in-law; she's in the middle)  is on this journey, too.  She's been going to Zumba, and it has gotten my butt back to the classes.  Thanks, Cindy!!  I adore Zumba classes.  From going to these classes, she's already lost almost 15 pounds.  I must say, I am very proud of her!!


 I mean, let's face it, I grew up dancing nearly every day.  From age 5 to 17 I danced like Jazzy plays soccer.  I love it.  I love, love, love it.  It is seriously my happy place.  But my happy place has an injury.  Back in middle school I was dancing so much that I broke my foot by just walking down the stairs.  My foot curled over the edge of the stair and just cracked.  It has never fully healed.  With all of this weight on me now, it has gotten worse.  I have a sprained ankle that just will not heal.

Today was pretty great.  Victor and I are refraining from going out to eat for all of February.  That has definitely made a difference in the bank account.  Today I went to Zumba, then went to Tammi's house to walk the nature preserve with she and Leah (and sweet Gracie Lou, Leah's lab).  I burned 1000 calories by 1 pm.  Not too shabby!!

There may just be light at the tunnel after all.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

We, wait, I have a serious situation here.  My fat jeans are getting tight.  My fat jeans that I retired to the top of the closet just a short year-and-a-half ago are tight.  I kept them so I could "gauge my progress."  Yeah, what good that did.  I had to take them back down about 6 months ago because no other jeans fit.  I have one pair of jeans, and they are getting tight.

Something isn't clicking here.

I'm not clicking here.  It is seriously as if I have an alter ego in my brain justifying eating ____ (enter whatever crappy food here).

I am what I can't stand.  No, not fat people!  A hypocrite.  It bugs me when people cannot keep their word, do what they say, etc, and here I am, Queen Excuse.  It's always "tomorrow" or "the next meal" that I'll start.  It's "after this party" or "once I eat everything crappy in my kitchen."  Excuse after excuse to myself.



My poor husband.  Just sits by quietly, patiently and lovingly all the while.  I always say that I have excelled everything in my life that I have put my mind to.

Except. This.

Accept this.  This is not reality.  This is my own irrational fears of....being hungry?



Right now, I am currently at the highest weight I've ever been.  I will be struggling with this my entire life.  Should I just put it all out there right now and say my weight?

*crying as I type this*

223.4

{Insert favorite expletive here}

I think I can, I think I can...

So, this week has been ok.  I'm really liking this 28 day meal plan that I found on....wait for it...PINTEREST!  Shocker!  I'll post the link below.  I did go and have barbecue on Wednesday, which wasn't good for my waistline or my checkbook.  But, thus far the meals have been tasty and even my loves, a picky 8 year old and a picky (almost) 28 year old, like them.  None of us liked the couscous from day 2 too much, but we ate it!

I realize that almost all day long, my brain circles around food.  I tell myself I'll make good choices, I plan what to make (like any mother does), I justify that handful of cereal, and on and on and on.  I think I can do this.  I'm trying to not beat myself up too much for the barbecue; I'll never be perfect at this, but I think I'm chugging along like the little engine who could.

Or am I the boy who cried wolf?

Meal plan link:
http://www.eatingwell.com/nutrition_health/weight_loss_diet_plans/diet_meal_plans/weight_loss_diet_meal_plan?pC=1200&pT=diet&pD=1

Hi, my name is Anne, and I'm a food addict

Yup.  I am.  It is really tough to admit.  It is really hard for me to be vulnerable.   Admitting this is admitting two things:  1 -  that I am not perfect, and 2 - that I feel like a failure.  Yeah, so SHOCKER to not being perfect.  But a perfectionist admitting they are not perfect is like a dagger to the heart.  It can be slightly counterproductive without accepting the fact.

I have a problem with eating too much in a sitting.  Not all the time, and not every day.  I believe they call that a binge.  I used to do the purge part, but it has been about 5 years since that.  I didn't do it everyday, I didn't even do it weekly; but doing it just once is one times too many.  I haven't quite gotten to the root of why I have such an issue with food.  Maybe I hit the nail on the head there in this post.  I'm a food addict.

Obviously I have a reason for writing this today.  I feel like I way overate after Victor left for work.  It started as lunch, and it turned into me finishing off 1/3 of a bag of tortilla chips with queso, and then leftover rice krispy treats from the holidays.  I'd rather not say how much I had of those.  Maybe recognition is one of the steps to getting past this.  When I do these things, I really don't feel quite like myself.  Somehow I either step out of my own head to justify it, or I just shut down my consciousness.

I follow a few blogs.  Some of them are craft blogs, some are weight loss, some are parenting blogs.  After I got fed up with myself just now and stepped away from the marshmallow crispiness, I came to the computer.  One of the blogs I follow is a (slightly annoying) 16 year old girl who is trying to lose weight, too.  Although some of her blog is fluff and annoying, she posts pictures and tips that I really like.  Some of them I end up sharing on Pinterest.  The one she posted today after this dreaded binge of mine was something I needed to read.  Here it is:


So, I believe that I will go drink a bunch of water and clean up more on my casa.

Everyone has to start somewhere, right?

Today after subbing, I went up to the gym here in my neighborhood and started a treadmill workout.  According to my plan, today was supposed to be 45-60 minutes of cardio, and 20-40 minutes of butt work.  The following was my treadmill workout.

I only made it to minute 31.  Hey, everyone starts somewhere!!  My lower back was killing me by the time I got to that point.

I never did the butt work.  The night is still (kind of) young.  This is what I have planned for that:


I had originally set my alarm for 4:30 this morning to work out, but that did NOT happen.  But, I packed my workout bag and went straight to the gym after work.

I've been doing good with my food choices.  I even turned down brownies, popcorn, and a chili dog at my in-laws house.  And let me tell you, that popcorn was tasty.  I had some (okay, too much) yesterday.  But, I did stay within my calorie range yesterday.  So far today I've had a homemade egg biscuit, a taco salad, a pomegranate, and a handful of (tasty) almonds.  I felt good (until I glanced in the mirror, LOL).  Why does one always feel like the pounds should melt off by the minute when you workout??