Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Light at the End of the Tunnel (or Am I Hallucinating!)

Hello world.  Life for me lately has been, well, rough.  First world problems, yes, but it's been tough.  I'm pretty sure I've been going through a bit of a depression.  The fact that I can say that out loud and actually see that leads me to believe that I am on the other side of it now.  The tables have turned back in a good way.

When many people identify and define who they are, they do that through their career/life's work, their children/family, and even their health/well-being.  Well, in my world (which is all in my head, haha...isn't everyone's world in their own head?), I have been deeming myself a failure by the standards I mentioned earlier.

My career:  nonexistent.  I worked so hard to get through my Masters degree with a 4.0.  I did it, too.  I felt I needed to redeem myself after taking so long to get my Bachelor's (good times, good times, LOL).  Then, the year I graduate, teaching jobs are being cut, not added.  Karma, anyone?  I've been so overwhelmed (in everything) with finding a job that it has paralyzed me.  I see the light here...more later on this.

My children/family: I have a beautiful eight, almost nine year old daughter. The minute she and her Daddy came into my life, my world was changed forever. Changed forever for the better.  They brought me a sense of calm, a sense of peace, and a purpose to drive myself to be the best me I can be.  I married her Daddy almost two years ago.  Almost two years ago we decided we definitely want to expand our family.   For almost two years, my body has decided it doesn't want my family expanded.  I could possibly see the light here...once again, more later on this.

My health/well-being:  I have been steady gaining weight since the day I graduated high school.  Sure, I'll yo-yo and lose-gain-lose-gain (round and round that merry go round).  I have undoubtedly reached the highest number on the scale I've ever seen.  It is one thing to have your clothes fit tighter (or outfat them altogether), but it is another for your body to stop functioning as it should because of your weight.  Just getting up and down off the ground is difficult much of the time.  That is NOT OK.  According to my sweet neighbor, Ashley, there is a light at the end of the tunnel on this one...I'll take her word for it!

Well, "more later" is now!

I have a friend, Michelle, who is so great.  She always asks questions about life, how I'm doing, and offers up advice and a listening ear.  She pointed out to me that my goals are too big, too broad, and therefore unattainable to my consciousness.  She said to break them down into smaller, more manageable goals.  So I did.  I had an appointment with the career counselor from one college I graduated from, and she suggested I take some assessments to see what career path would be good for me if teaching doesn't' pan out. Small goal for career: check.  I finally (FREAKING finally) have insurance again.  I have an appointment this afternoon to talk about fertility and what's going on there. Small goal for family planning answers: check.  My neighbor and I started a workout program last week called Insanity.  Dang is it hard.  But we have made it through day 5.  Modified in many ways from what the guy is doing? Yes.  But we are hanging in there.  I also  had the goal of tracking everything I ate for a whole week.  I didn't care if I went over my calories or not.  I just needed to track.  Did I do it? yes!  Did I lose? Hell yes!  Weight loss small goal: CHECK!!

Right now I'm finding a way to trust that Ashley believes in the light at the end of my tunnel.  I have failed too many times at this to be able to see it yet (maybe I should wear my glasses more often.  Astigmatisms affect how we see light.  Ha!!!).

I think I know it is there.



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